So we get along swimmingly. I feel so special around him and we have a wonderful time whenever we’re hanging out.. but I wouldn’t let myself love him yet. And here’s the awful part: I was talking with someone else (another way to say virtually dating or long distance relationship). Someone hit the brakes!! Eeeeerrrrrcccchhhhh…
Let’s rewind. When we went to Kennewick for my brother’s wedding.. yeah well I got to know someone while I was there and we started talking, then webcaming on Skype, and messaging all day of every day. His name is Joe. This is why I didn’t want to have feelings for Daniel back in Chicago. Make sense now?
I had feelings for Joe. He’s so sweet, respectful, our parents have been friends since before either had children (pretty much), and I could tell he was trustworthy. I knew he wouldn’t cheat on me or lie to me. I’ve had that happen a lot, surprisingly. Plus we were both studying for computer related degrees.. I was working for certifications though. I thought it would be a nice change of direction to go for a ‘different’ kind of guy.
So I held myself back from Daniel and yet, I held myself back from Joe. Let me explain.
At the end of the trip to Kansas, I exchanged KiK messenger with Daniel. I didn’t know why but I liked him. I guess I wanted to indulge that feeling. I didn’t quite understand how I liked him either. I liked him A LOT though. I wasn’t sure if this was what it felt like to be someone’s best friend or if this is what it felt like to be genuinely falling in love.. It felt so different and it was so consuming .. yet safe! At the end of the trip I don’t know if my brain was elsewhere or I’d made a decision. But I hugged Daniel goodbye (even though I knew what that meant to me) while we were at the airport and I don’t think I’ve ever had someone hug me so tightly! lol
He gave me SUCH a tight squeeze that I could barely breathe. The wind came out, not gonna lie, it kind of hurt! I felt my ribcage squish together. I smiled though. He grinned.. seeming SO excited that I finally hugged him. We waved goodbye and we (my parents, myself and three friends) went back home.
Over the next few months, I told Daniel more than I would tell Joe.. so I held myself back from Daniel physically (limiting hugs) and then I held myself back emotionally from Joe (even though he was far away we would still say “hugs” and “eskimo kisses”). If I felt bad, had a question or a random thought, I knew Daniel would want to talk. He was always willing to listen to me.
It’s hard to give exact details because it’s been a while and I’m trying to avoid airing ‘dirty laundry’. This is the internet after all! But one day, Daniel and his family went to California with a few of our friends. They were going to see a holistic doctor about Daniel’s epilepsy (which he’s had since he was little). Now, I was texting him on and off throughout this 2-3 day trip. They went to hollywood boulevard, explored all the attractions and had a great time! On the evening of the second or third night, Daniel messaged me with a question. One of our ‘friends’ had told him (Daniel) in front of a group of people (that my knew my whole family) “Be careful about Kendra.” She said a few other things that implied I would break his heart or that he didn’t really mean anything to me… but what really got me, is that Daniel asked me if anything that she said was true.
It felt so nice to know my opinion mattered more to him than anyone’s. If he wanted to know the truth about me, he went to me. Not someone else. Not taking her word for it, or anyone’s. This was a big deal for me, because I’ve had a lot of gossip situations and for the most part people believe what they hear, then keep it to themselves.. never seeking the truth, just accepting what they’re told. But, Daniel came straight to me and it just really revealed who my friends were. My real friends. So, I messaged Daniel, “I have something I need to tell you when you’re here.”
When Daniel came back to Las Vegas after the doctor visit, I sat him down to tell him that I loved him. For the first time. But, I was so nervous I had to type it on a computer. lol! The reaction I got was a little less than I expected, he smiled and typed, “too” at the end of it. So I smiled, feeling accomplished and nervous. Later that evening though, I was sitting on the couch with good ol’ mellow Dan. He asked me what it was that I wanted to tell him. “I already told you… :)” I said..
“Well, I don’t remember. *he looked confused*” he said .. “I typed it earlier.. on.. Well, I wanted to say…. * I lowered my voice to just barely a whisper, trying to get the words out before anyone else can hear* I love you!”. He still looked confused… and he said, “That’s it?”. Wow. I don’t know how to take that. I’m pouring out my deepest feelings and he isn’t even surprised! “yeah, that’s it..” -Me, I was motioning to get up, I’m a busybody I don’t like to do nothing for too long.
“Well, *he gently grabbed my arm, guiding me back onto the couch* wait… love me … as a friend or..more?” *his lips curled into a small smile. I looked down, gathering my thoughts.. “It could be either. I don’t really know. :D” I told him. He seemed pleased enough with that answer and let me go. The rest of the night we were mouthing “I love you” from across the room in the dim lighting (our families were watching a movie together).
A month or two later, Daniel sent me this picture..
I told him “No”. I was still talking to Joe and I hadn’t quite made my mind up. When I told Daniel that “it could be either” I really meant it. I had no idea what I felt for Daniel, I just knew I trusted him like I never have trusted even my own mother.
Ultimately, I think that’s what it came down to.. Joe is an amazing person. Don’t get me wrong. But the more I got to know Daniel, the more I just knew I would be settling if I ever considered anybody else. I felt safe and yet, exhilarated with Daniel. Everything is new, funny, beautiful and I wouldn’t want it any other way!
–Update July 21st 2015:
I think I made the right choice. Daniel and I, are both very happy to announce that we’re getting married on September 6th 2015! It will, obviously, be a short engagement. Haha and I will be giving updates on how we are adjusting to married life and room/house tour etc. Hope you guys will check in soon! 🙂
… But that’s how I met and got my soul mate! 😉