Pregnancy Blues

bumpie_week_7_flag THE FIRST TRIMESTER

I had a pretty rough week. It started out on Monday… Daniel and I were both very excited about Wednesday. Our FIRST prenatal appointment for this pregnancy. We both had the fear in the back of our minds, “What if we don’t hear the heart beat?”. Most first timers are nervous.. at least that’s what I’ve been reading online. 😉
We talked about it and reassured each other that everything was out of our hands and that as far as I could tell everything was fine. I was 9 weeks + 5 days and the baby was moving more each day! (A lot of people will say that you cannot feel the baby this soon, I have been though. This is our first, too. I know my body really well though so I noticed the movement right away! 🙂 )

bumpie_week_10_flagI’ve been faithful to workout 3 – 5 times a week, drinking 4 to 6 20oz-bottles full of water, doing my best to stand up straight (my shoulders are tired!), taking my prenatal vitamins (Daniel helped me get a GREAT one that has helped a lot with nausea and ‘morning’ sickness), Oh! Because I’m still in the first trimester I have been keeping up with ab workouts, I still popped the next day… 9wks+6days.. the day before our appointment, keep this in mind for later. Working out has helped to keep A LOT of symptoms at bay… To name a few: constipation, mood swings, dizziness, sluggishness/tiredness, and loss of appetite.

Now, I know there’s a huge difference between week 7 and week 10.. I had only gained 2lbs (not even a whole kilogram) ladies. —It’s expected that a woman will gain between 1 – 5 lbs in the first trimester— My arms have been getting nice and tone from all the exercise, and my legs too! But that tummy…. It’s all baby and at this point baby is the size of a kumquat.

We made it to Wednesday! The 10 week mark. I was sitting on the bed that morning eating breakfast and giggled at the bubbles coming from the right side of my now-grapefruit-sized-womb, thinking, “Oh! baby likes the food 😀 haha”. Daniel, my mom and me.. ALL excited (my mother is the only one who knew that we had the appointment and she couldn’t wait to hear how everything went).

Daniel had thought up the idea that we would vlog our drive there and then when we heard the heartbeat and we would send the video to our friends/family! So on the way there we were filming and talking about how we were taking them to a surprise destination…

We get there, we do our appointment. We complete a BUNCH of paperwork, answer a few questions (I had bleeding in October, which I self diagnosed as decidual bleeding after EXTENSIVE research online, we hadn’t done an ultrasound or ANYTHING but after the bleeding ended around 7 week mark, my pregnancy symptoms increased like 10 fold!). I peed in a cup, had a blood pressure check, had a blood sample taken (first time EVER and I was horrified. Almost passed out, seriously I could barely keep my eyes open), and then FINALLY it was time to hear the heart beat. The moment we’ve been eagerly awaiting.

So, our midwife tells us that basically because I’m only 10 weeks the baby is still so small it can hide in the womb and we might not get to hear the heartbeat and she continued to assure us that if we didn’t hear it at this appointment we would definitely be able to hear at our 15 week appointment because the baby would be much bigger. So we say okay sure, let’s try to hear! Sadly… we couldn’t find a heart beat so we packed up and she would send off my samples (blood, urine, etc) to the lab that day.
On our way out she suggested that we go get an ultrasound done so we can see if the baby is as old as we had calculated.

We found a place nearby, and we get in after lots of waiting and ‘maybe we can get you in today, OH, yes we can, yatta yahhhh’ lol.. I only had about 8 – 12 oz of fluid in my system and I kind of expected the technician to offer me some water before telling me to get on the exam table. But, I had to go to the bathroom so she said that should be enough.. (HELLO, Pregnant! I would have to pee if there was two drops in there!). I think to myself, “maybe they have really good equipment, they’re the professionals, they know what they’re doing. I just won’t worry.”. So they tell us that because I’m only 10weeks along that they may not be able to see the baby using their abdominal ultrasound and that it would be more likely they would see it with a trans-vaginal wand (I know, horrifying right? It gets worse) there’s a risk of miscarriage with that, EEK.

Well they do their calculations and they say, “OH well since your LMP was August 21st, according to our calculations you’re 10 weeks 4 days! 😀 So we can do the abdominal”. Good cause I was not about to do the other one, and I made sure they knew that!

Well, she starts the scan and she stares at the screen for a good minute. 1..2..3….4…5…..6. Seriously. A minute. Then she says, “I don’t see any sign of pregnancy. I know that’s not what you want to hear. But……”, so I am really confused and kind of sad because I felt a baby in there that morning and I’ve gained 2 lbs… I’ve had all kinds of pregnancy issues! Am I crazy?

So I ask her to check my tubes/ovaries (cause I’m curious about whether or not I have any cysts). She tells me that was going to be her next move anyways, she switches the mode on her machine and she looks confused, she finds my almonds (ovaries) and it kind of took her a while before she did find them. I’m beginning to question her expertise…. “Oh there’s that one.. Very healthy.. and there’s the other one.. Both healthy!”. Then her and the assistant pack up and say they’ll call the midwife. I feel so disappointed, a little embarrassed and I slink off the table over to Daniel feeling kind of shattered.

We get a call from the midwife… She tells me, “Hey, did the technician tell you anything?” and I said, “Yes, a little..” and MW says, “Well I would guess that your bleeding last month (October) was a miscarriage. She said the lining in your uterus was thin and there was absolutely NO sign of pregnancy….” and she went on to say that she wouldn’t see me next month for our appointment unless something changed (if I get pregnant again) but I can call her any time if I have a question etc, I asked her, “If I’m not pregnant then what have I been feeling? Why did I gain two pounds ONLY in the tummy area? why have I been sick?”… She tried to say that my weight could just be fluctuating. MY STOMACH HAS NEVER BEEN THIS BIG IN MY LIFE. If my pipes were all cleaned out, then why would I be gaining weight and having symptoms? We made our way out of the ultrasound clinic with the phone to my ear, Daniel gives me a kiss, we get in the car and I try not to start balling my eyes out.

She goes on for a little while and I’m not listening anymore, I just feel numb and all of her words jumble together. I looked at Daniel, driving the car, and I don’t know why it just became too much, and the tears came pouring out. I hear through the phone, “I don’t know if you’re trying for children…. just excited… you’re young.. no reason you can’t keep trying… continue your prenatals..” and I just wait for her to say goodbye. When the call finally came to an end I held Daniel’s hand and we had a little bit of conversation on the way home. I don’t even really remember much except crying and Daniel trying his best to comfort me while driving!

I felt ridiculous for going through all of this trouble and spending all the money on the midwife appointment and the ultrasound just to find out I don’t know my own body…? Am I some lady that’s actually imagining she’s pregnant and CAUSING symptoms because she’s desperate for a baby? I didn’t think I was.. I thought I was pretty chill about it even though I was really happy about it!

I went into a mini depression for the rest of the day snuggling and crying ALL OVER poor Daniel. We had to cancel our plans for the evening (we were going to announce that we were expecting that terrible Wednesday night).. thankfully everyone was understanding of the canceled plans, none of them knew what the ‘surprise’ was going to be anyways.

That night I talked with my mom… and I realized how weird everything was… Like conveniently weird. I was too early for the doppler to pick up baby’s heart beat. Okay, that checks out. I was dehydrated and too early for ultrasound.. but 10 weeks… that’s a big baby to be hiding! Something was wrong…. So she suggested we go back out to get a HPT (home pregnancy test). We bought two. I took one at the store and I’m saving the other one to take next month (just in case). The instructions say, “using the dropper put 3 drops of urine on the sample section of test cassette.” I put 4 or 5, cause I was anxious. I got a negative at the store. 😦

Now I’m even more bummed and confused. So I tell Daniel it was negative and we go home, after a lot of talks and sad kisses he tells me something that just made my week.., “Kendra, I trust you more than the midwife, the ultrasound people, and that test. If you think you’re pregnant… I’m gonna believe you over them. Only time will tell in this case.”

So… We took the 10 week photo at 10weeks + 2 days. The day after that awful appointment. I was continually dismissed by our midwife when I said I’m feeling something on my right side, what is it? because “you can’t feel the baby this early. The ultrasound shows that you’re all cleaned out and so it must be your kidneys or a bladder infection.” She checked my samples and negative. No bladder or kidney issues..

Coming up on just 4 days since the appointment, I’m still taking my prenatal vitamins, and carrying on as if I am pregnant because the only way to know for sure right now is just to see if my belly continues to grow and we will get another ultrasound around 15 – 20 weeks. I have still been feeling baby move after I eat and sometimes while eating, but my lower tummy feels so heavy and I’m just having trouble eating much at all. I’d imagine that’s my uterus growing (If I am pregnant) and if I’m not then I sure am ONE SICK person with a lot of health issues! lol

BTW my lab results came back.. and show that I am really healthy, so I doubt that I have a ton of illnesses. The blood sample wasn’t checked for my HCG levels, sadly. I’m hoping this isn’t a cryptic pregnancy (a baby that’s going to hide for a long time!), but more so a series of terrible timing. I will keep you guys posted!! Please let me know what your thoughts are ❤ It’s been an emotionally trying week.

Maybe my test on Wednesday was false because of the extra drops? Or a hook effect (my levels went above the samples range and gave a negative, I am around the time that pregnancy hormones peak)? I’d love to hear your thoughts, even if you haven’t been pregnant ladies. 11 weeks will be on Wednesday (November 11th). Midwife says I’m not pregnant and to expect my period any day now. So we will see! Thanks for reading and a happy pregnancy to those of you who are expecting. ❤

—UPDATE: Part two to this post (with all of the answers to these questions will be put up on Wednesday November 18th! I took my second HPT and we’re having another ultrasound done with a different technician. I hope you guys will be here to see the latest news on Wednesday! (Pictures will be included).

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